{"id":97,"date":"2015-08-06T12:00:04","date_gmt":"2015-08-06T18:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/?p=97"},"modified":"2015-11-06T09:46:22","modified_gmt":"2015-11-06T15:46:22","slug":"terrible-golfer-chronicles-his-round-to-hilarious-results","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/terrible-golfer-chronicles-his-round-to-hilarious-results\/","title":{"rendered":"Terrible Golfer Chronicles His Round to Hilarious Results"},"content":{"rendered":"

Terrible Golfer Chronicles His Entire Round to Hilarious Results<\/strong><\/p>\n

August 6th, 2015\u00a0\u2014 Martinson Agency LLC \u2014 Chaska, MN<\/strong><\/p>\n

Like any mediocre golfer knows, sometimes you get in a funk where it seems like throwing your clubs into a fire pit is the only solution. Usually it lasts a few shots, maybe a few holes. But every so often it spans an ENTIRE ROUND. That\u2019s 4-5 hours of pure misery. It can cause even the strongest, most mentally stable person to contemplate tying a cinder block around their ankle and diving headfirst into the closest body of water. It\u2019s hell. And last week I was sitting next to the devil himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is my story.<\/span><\/p>\n

10:41 a.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

The sun is shining and things are looking great outside. Sure it\u2019s a little hot but who can complain with 85 degrees? Not me!<\/span><\/p>\n

12:03 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

We arrive at the course a little early so we have time to hit a few balls. There are four of us so we don\u2019t have to worry about getting paired up with that lonely guy who slows you down by walking the course because he \u201cloves the exercise.\u201d \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

12:20 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

We head over to the tee box to start the round and even though I didn\u2019t hit the ball particularly well at the range, I\u2019m filled with optimism; like a teenager heading to his first dance.\u00a0Maybe I\u2019ll get a kiss!\u00a0And like that idiot, it\u2019s only a matter of hours before I\u2019m in front of my mom wondering how it all went so wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n

12:22 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

First shot is a beauty for the first 100 yards. Then it appears to come to a four way stop, remembers it left something at home and takes a sharp left. I\u2019m not talking about a gradual, hooking left. An actual 90 degree angle. Not a good sign.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

12:35 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

First hole is done and I\u2019m putting an 8 on the board. Not a great score but the day is young.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d kill for an 8 later in the day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

12:41 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

My drive on the 2nd\u00a0hole hits the ground six inches from the spot it is teed up and darts into the water. How does that even happen? I\u2019m still not sure. Can Neil deGrasse Tyson get on the phone and fill me in? After looking to my playing partners for an explanation, all I can come up with is that this could be the longest day of my life. (Spoiler alert: It is!).<\/span><\/p>\n

1:34 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Just finished the 4th\u00a0hole and I\u2019m already wondering if I have enough balls to finish the round. Mind you, I\u2019m splitting a brand new pack of 24 balls with my brother who hasn\u2019t lost a single one yet. I figure that as long as I don\u2019t lose more than 2 per hole for the rest of the day, I should be OK. On the other hand, if I lose 2 balls per hole the rest of the day I may get a one way ticket to North Korea.<\/span><\/p>\n

1:41 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

5th\u00a0hole. Par 3. 147 yards.<\/span><\/p>\n

Splash! Like Kevin Costner in Tin Cup, I calmly reach my hand back to my brother and ask for another ball. He throws me one. I lay it down, and swing again. Splash. So many thoughts are running through my head.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why is there water there?<\/span><\/p>\n

Are you allowed to throw the ball down the fairway instead of using a club?<\/span><\/p>\n

Should I be watching CSI since my childhood crush Elisabeth Shue is the co-star?<\/span><\/p>\n

But all I can do is stare blankly into the distance like a guy who just walked in the YMCA changing room for the first time after the 6am Senior Swim Session.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some things you can\u2019t unsee.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

2:20 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Just finished the 7th\u00a0hole and my score card reads as follows.<\/span><\/p>\n

8, 7, 8, *, 6, $, 8,000<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes it\u2019s better to give yourself a fictional $ sign than to actually count up all your strokes and realize that if your score was a person, it\u2019d be able to do everything except rent a car.<\/span><\/p>\n

2:51 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Finally done with the front 9. Even though there isn\u2019t really anybody in front of us we\u2019re moving at a slow pace. Could it have to do with me hitting 10 shots every hole? Possibly\u2026but I\u2019m open to other explanations.<\/span><\/p>\n

3:07 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Finally teeing off on 10. I contemplated staying at the bar and having a few drinks but I figure I\u2019d probably hook those left as well. Plus, I need some redemption!<\/span><\/p>\n

3:08 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Sticking with my driver even though it has failed me all day. Kind of like returning to the same pizza place that has given you food poisoning the day before. Maybe, Geno washed up today!<\/span><\/p>\n

No thinking Mike, you can do this. Be loose!<\/span><\/p>\n

Swing and a drive. It\u2019s long and gliding right. It could be out of play but I\u2019m secretly thrilled I made solid contact. Guess who\u2019s back baby?!<\/span><\/p>\n

3:14 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

The ball is nowhere to be found. It may have hit a tree or God may have sent an angel down to remove it from earth and put me one closer to death. Hey who am I to argue? It\u2019s\u00a0his plan!<\/span><\/p>\n

3:44 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

My 5 iron almost goes flying from my hands on a swing. Likely from the pounds of SPF 30 I\u2019ve applied every hour but hey, if being a pale skinned, lumpy bastard were easy everyone would do it!<\/span><\/p>\n

4:02 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I start to snap. After another terrible drive, I drop in the middle of the fairway because rules went out the window the moment I started playing with these knockoff Pinnacles (can you get lower than that?).\u00a0 My dad tells me to\u00a0take my time.\u00a0Holy crap pops, really? It\u2019s like telling a baseball player who hasn\u2019t gotten a hit in days that\u00a0he\u2019s due!\u00a0Just in case you didn\u2019t know, here are a few things you shouldn\u2019t say to someone struggling on the golf course.<\/span><\/p>\n

Keep your head down.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hey thanks for the tip. Should I have a safe flight too? Out of my control man! \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Take your time.<\/span><\/p>\n

I could sit here for 2 hours and we both know my next shot is going to skip more times than Punky Brewster after hearing she\u2019s been adopted by Henry Warnimont. (Nice timely reference Mike\u2026Shut your face).<\/span><\/p>\n

Hit another one.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll hit another ball whenever I want. As Ivan Drago would say,\u00a0I play for me\u2026for meeeeee! (Getting closer to modern day with that reference but still a bit off\u2026I know, I know).<\/span><\/p>\n

4:33 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

16th\u00a0Hole. By some grace of God I\u2019m putting for Par. Instead of playing the slight break from right to left, I decide to blast it with all my might right at the cup. Kind of like Happy Gilmore when he first gets on the green. But unlike Happy, I can\u2019t drive the ball 350 yards. Although getting my hand ripped off by an alligator like Chubbs seems pretty appealing right now.<\/span><\/p>\n

5:02 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

18th\u00a0hole. Bam! A drive 225 yards right down the middle of the fairway.\u00a0 I\u2019m back baby!\u00a0No clue how or why it happened but it did. It\u2019s almost like I was being punished for something I did in a past life and now I\u2019m free. Let\u2019s birdie this bad boy.<\/span><\/p>\n

5:06 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

My second shot goes an estimated 17 yards. Woof sandwich.<\/span><\/p>\n

5:09 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Third shot and I\u2019m in chipping range. I hit the ground about a foot behind the ball and almost broke my wrist. I wish I did, then I wouldn\u2019t have to golf for months. That\u2019s a win!<\/span><\/p>\n

5:21 p.m.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I tap in for a score somewhere between a 7 and a 10. Round finished. Spirit broken.<\/span><\/p>\n

Should I quit golf forever? Should I finally embrace that gut I\u2019ve been harvesting for the past couple years and join a bowling league? Maybe weekly poker nights is more my speed?<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a broken man. My hands are calloused, I\u2019m crashing after a diet of candy bars and gatorades, and I\u2019m pasty from a year\u2019s worth of sun tan lotion used in 4 and 1\/2 hours.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But on the ride home a funny thing happens; all I can think about is that beautiful drive on 18. 225 yards, RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWanna play again on Monday?\u201d my dad asks. I pause only for a moment. \u201cSure!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Back to Geno\u2019s. Hopefully this time he washes his hands.<\/span><\/p>\n

**Entertainment is c<\/span>ourtesy of BroBible.com**<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t leave your insurance to luck! Call today!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Phone: (952) 314-4400<\/strong><\/p>\n

Email: jphagen@aibme.com<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Terrible Golfer Chronicles His Entire Round to Hilarious Results August 6th, 2015\u00a0\u2014 Martinson Agency LLC \u2014 Chaska, MN Like any mediocre golfer knows, sometimes you get in a funk where it seems like throwing your clubs into a fire pit is the only solution. Usually it lasts a few shots, maybe a few holes. But […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[52,25,33],"class_list":["post-97","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-toy-department","tag-55318-insurance","tag-chaska-insurance","tag-martinson-agency-fun-facts"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=97"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":98,"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97\/revisions\/98"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=97"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=97"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.martinsonagency.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=97"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}