Terrible Golfer Chronicles His Round to Hilarious Results

Terrible Golfer Chronicles His Entire Round to Hilarious Results

August 6th, 2015 — Martinson Agency LLC — Chaska, MN

Like any mediocre golfer knows, sometimes you get in a funk where it seems like throwing your clubs into a fire pit is the only solution. Usually it lasts a few shots, maybe a few holes. But every so often it spans an ENTIRE ROUND. That’s 4-5 hours of pure misery. It can cause even the strongest, most mentally stable person to contemplate tying a cinder block around their ankle and diving headfirst into the closest body of water. It’s hell. And last week I was sitting next to the devil himself.

This is my story.

10:41 a.m.

The sun is shining and things are looking great outside. Sure it’s a little hot but who can complain with 85 degrees? Not me!

12:03 p.m.

We arrive at the course a little early so we have time to hit a few balls. There are four of us so we don’t have to worry about getting paired up with that lonely guy who slows you down by walking the course because he “loves the exercise.”  

12:20 p.m.

We head over to the tee box to start the round and even though I didn’t hit the ball particularly well at the range, I’m filled with optimism; like a teenager heading to his first dance. Maybe I’ll get a kiss! And like that idiot, it’s only a matter of hours before I’m in front of my mom wondering how it all went so wrong.

12:22 p.m.

First shot is a beauty for the first 100 yards. Then it appears to come to a four way stop, remembers it left something at home and takes a sharp left. I’m not talking about a gradual, hooking left. An actual 90 degree angle. Not a good sign. 

12:35 p.m.

First hole is done and I’m putting an 8 on the board. Not a great score but the day is young.

I’d kill for an 8 later in the day. 

12:41 p.m.

My drive on the 2nd hole hits the ground six inches from the spot it is teed up and darts into the water. How does that even happen? I’m still not sure. Can Neil deGrasse Tyson get on the phone and fill me in? After looking to my playing partners for an explanation, all I can come up with is that this could be the longest day of my life. (Spoiler alert: It is!).

1:34 p.m.

Just finished the 4th hole and I’m already wondering if I have enough balls to finish the round. Mind you, I’m splitting a brand new pack of 24 balls with my brother who hasn’t lost a single one yet. I figure that as long as I don’t lose more than 2 per hole for the rest of the day, I should be OK. On the other hand, if I lose 2 balls per hole the rest of the day I may get a one way ticket to North Korea.

1:41 p.m.

5th hole. Par 3. 147 yards.

Splash! Like Kevin Costner in Tin Cup, I calmly reach my hand back to my brother and ask for another ball. He throws me one. I lay it down, and swing again. Splash. So many thoughts are running through my head.

Why is there water there?

Are you allowed to throw the ball down the fairway instead of using a club?

Should I be watching CSI since my childhood crush Elisabeth Shue is the co-star?

But all I can do is stare blankly into the distance like a guy who just walked in the YMCA changing room for the first time after the 6am Senior Swim Session.

Some things you can’t unsee. 

2:20 p.m.

Just finished the 7th hole and my score card reads as follows.

8, 7, 8, *, 6, $, 8,000

Sometimes it’s better to give yourself a fictional $ sign than to actually count up all your strokes and realize that if your score was a person, it’d be able to do everything except rent a car.

2:51 p.m.

Finally done with the front 9. Even though there isn’t really anybody in front of us we’re moving at a slow pace. Could it have to do with me hitting 10 shots every hole? Possibly…but I’m open to other explanations.

3:07 p.m.

Finally teeing off on 10. I contemplated staying at the bar and having a few drinks but I figure I’d probably hook those left as well. Plus, I need some redemption!

3:08 p.m.

Sticking with my driver even though it has failed me all day. Kind of like returning to the same pizza place that has given you food poisoning the day before. Maybe, Geno washed up today!

No thinking Mike, you can do this. Be loose!

Swing and a drive. It’s long and gliding right. It could be out of play but I’m secretly thrilled I made solid contact. Guess who’s back baby?!

3:14 p.m.

The ball is nowhere to be found. It may have hit a tree or God may have sent an angel down to remove it from earth and put me one closer to death. Hey who am I to argue? It’s his plan!

3:44 p.m.

My 5 iron almost goes flying from my hands on a swing. Likely from the pounds of SPF 30 I’ve applied every hour but hey, if being a pale skinned, lumpy bastard were easy everyone would do it!

4:02 p.m.

I start to snap. After another terrible drive, I drop in the middle of the fairway because rules went out the window the moment I started playing with these knockoff Pinnacles (can you get lower than that?).  My dad tells me to take my time. Holy crap pops, really? It’s like telling a baseball player who hasn’t gotten a hit in days that he’s due! Just in case you didn’t know, here are a few things you shouldn’t say to someone struggling on the golf course.

Keep your head down.

Hey thanks for the tip. Should I have a safe flight too? Out of my control man!  

Take your time.

I could sit here for 2 hours and we both know my next shot is going to skip more times than Punky Brewster after hearing she’s been adopted by Henry Warnimont. (Nice timely reference Mike…Shut your face).

Hit another one.

I’ll hit another ball whenever I want. As Ivan Drago would say, I play for me…for meeeeee! (Getting closer to modern day with that reference but still a bit off…I know, I know).

4:33 p.m.

16th Hole. By some grace of God I’m putting for Par. Instead of playing the slight break from right to left, I decide to blast it with all my might right at the cup. Kind of like Happy Gilmore when he first gets on the green. But unlike Happy, I can’t drive the ball 350 yards. Although getting my hand ripped off by an alligator like Chubbs seems pretty appealing right now.

5:02 p.m.

18th hole. Bam! A drive 225 yards right down the middle of the fairway.  I’m back baby! No clue how or why it happened but it did. It’s almost like I was being punished for something I did in a past life and now I’m free. Let’s birdie this bad boy.

5:06 p.m.

My second shot goes an estimated 17 yards. Woof sandwich.

5:09 p.m.

Third shot and I’m in chipping range. I hit the ground about a foot behind the ball and almost broke my wrist. I wish I did, then I wouldn’t have to golf for months. That’s a win!

5:21 p.m.

I tap in for a score somewhere between a 7 and a 10. Round finished. Spirit broken.

Should I quit golf forever? Should I finally embrace that gut I’ve been harvesting for the past couple years and join a bowling league? Maybe weekly poker nights is more my speed?

I’m a broken man. My hands are calloused, I’m crashing after a diet of candy bars and gatorades, and I’m pasty from a year’s worth of sun tan lotion used in 4 and 1/2 hours. 

But on the ride home a funny thing happens; all I can think about is that beautiful drive on 18. 225 yards, RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

“Wanna play again on Monday?” my dad asks. I pause only for a moment. “Sure!” 

Back to Geno’s. Hopefully this time he washes his hands.

**Entertainment is courtesy of BroBible.com**


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The Rules of Calling Shotgun

The Rules of Calling “Shotgun”

May 21st, 2015 — Martinson Agency LLC — Chaska, MN

Calling “Shotgun” is the act of claiming the front passenger seat of a car for yourself. Since this is the most coveted spot, this list of rules has been created to ensure that Shotgun can be acquired in a fair and equitable manner by any passenger of the automobile (except the driver, of course).

Section I: Making The Call

  1. The shotgun caller must be in clear sight of the car (even if the driver isn’t).
  2. “The Deed” – Any activity that directly precedes the ride, ex. stopping for food, visiting a friend ect. Accepting this concept is important because it establishes a shotgun-calling time frame that ensures everyone has an equal opportunity to start calling.
  3. When simultaneous shotgun is called, a footrace will follow. The first person to touch the passenger door handle wins.
  4. Shotgun must be called outdoors. If the deed takes place indoors, the deed is “done” only after you have left the building in which the deed took place.
  5. Once shotgun has been called for the front seat then back left and back right can be called. This leaves the slowest person to travel in the middle.
  6. Anyone calling shotgun much have shoes on. This prevents opportunistic people from running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside- slowing down the journey.

Section II: Duties and Losing The Privilege

  1. First and foremost, the shot gunner must be awake for the duration of the journey and engage the driver in conversation to keep him/her awake.
  2. If the shot gunner attempts to open the door just as the driver is unlocking it and jams the lock half open so that driver needs to unlock again, the shot gunner forfeits their position. This is known as Shotgun Suicide.
  3. The shot gunner is responsible for all gate opening, food ordering and question asking. They are in essence the copilot and therefore the enforcer of behavior in the vehicle and exacter of slaps, punches, water spraying and bag throwing at the passengers in the back. (Only when the vehicle is stopped of course. SAFETY FIRST!)
  4. The shot gunner is responsible for tending to the driver’s text messages. Driver’s text messages pertaining to the final destination or that day’s plans must take precedent over all of the shot gunner’s texts. Any abuse of this power will result in a one-month ban from riding shotgun.
  5. The shot gunner does not have the right to correct the driver of their navigation skills or driving ability.
  6. The driver is, of course, the controller of music. But if they feel the road requires their full attention, duty is passed to the shot gunner. Putting on crap music or allowing for silence when the iPod finishes a song will result in demotion to the dreaded back middle seat.

Section III: No Contest

  1. If the regular driver of the vehicle is unable to perform their duties, then they are automatically given shotgun.
  2. If one of the backseat passengers is seriously ill (flu or worse) or has had a recent life event that deserves sympathy (ex. pet died), then this person should be offered shotgun. Known as the “pity rule”, and can only be used once per illness/event.
  3. If passengers are picked up separately and you are the first, you are automatically given shotgun. You retain this position unless you lose (see Section II) or any other Section III condition is met.
  4. If only one person knows the way or has a smartphone with GPS, then they are deemed designated navigator and automatically given shotgun.
  5. If one of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the event of more than one pirate being present, a sword fight shall determine the successful shot gunner. This is known as the Pirate Rule.
  6. When traveling with a couple, one member of said couple MUST take shotgun. No one wants to chauffer two of their mates whilst they are in the back all over each other.

Section IV: Driver Powers

  1. Once shotgun has been called the driver has the option to yell “reload”. All previous calls of shotgun are void and the contest restarts. This is helpful when the driver really doesn’t like the shotgun winner. *Note that a shotgun has only two barrels so a reload can only be called once.
  2. The driver may declare “Survival of the Fittest” prior to any shotgun call. The passenger seat will be decided by whoever can take it by force.

Section V: Concluding Notes

  1. “Shotgun” overrules Dibs, Baggsies and other inferior terms.
  2. If someone asks, “What’s Shotgun?” after it has been called then they have to walk, regardless of distance.

Article courtesy of www.distractify.com (http://distractify.com/abby-s-marino/rules-for-shotgun/?v=1 )

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